Best Starcraft Advice Ever!

Recently, I've taken to creeping around Dawn of War and Starcraft 2 forums reading up strategy discussion threads. Although I intend to talk about experiences and tidbits later, there is one thread on the official Starcraft 2 forums so hillarious that I HAVE to put it here. Enjoy.

Disclaimer : In no circumstances do I advice you to follow any suggestions in this post.


Callofduty :

Hey there guys! I am completely screwed on which race to play... So. Do you guys recommend Zerg, Protoss, or Terran? Because right now I am mainly sticking with Protoss and Zerg and TRYING to learn Terran but can't realy grasp TvT... which basically brings me down to this. TvT = I can't do. PvT = Can't beat Mech/Ghost/Marauder drop play. ZvP = I can't beat this for crap. So what do you guys recommend?

Obsidian :

Go Zerg if you want to cry about how underpowered your race is.
Go Terran if you want everyone to laugh at you when you cry about how underpowered your race is.
Go Protoss if you want to watch everyone cry about how overpowered your race is.

UberNuB :  

Protoss if you like to win at the 15 minute mark (and otherwise be afk).
Terran if you like to win at the 6 minute mark (or otherwise lose).
Zerg if you hate your life because you can't win at any minute mark.

November :

Play Toss if you like attack moving with a gigantic army Play Terran if you like harassment and micro Play Zerg if you want high blood pressure

Edel :

Listen, Calli, we're going to need to break this down, officially. So no stupid comments. And no interruptions. So help me, Calli, if there's an interruption I'll psi-storm your mineral line.

Now, you need a specific race, which leaves 3 options.

Zerg is pretty cool. You get to be angry. You get a sense of injustice. It'd be good if you were a feminist, or if you just think the queen's voice is sexy. Imagine it. ''We require more minerals.''
Aww yeah. You know what that means, don't you? Do you like that? You're sick. Cut it out. Children roam these forums.

Protoss is pretty chill. You get to call yourself a brotoss and imagine a sense of brotherhood with countless nerds who couldn't get into a real college nerd-fraternity because, let's face it, there's no such thing. This isn't a movie. Fratboys are morons.

But you'd also be the most vulnerable to cannon rushes and 6pools. Do you like those gamers who got neural parasited by a retarded infestor spent $60 dollars to play 4minute games? Do you want to die almost immediately, unfairly? Your name is CallofDuty, so I'm guessing, yes. Protoss is a definite maybe.

Terran has a lot a unique advantages. Terran is the only race where all the units can talk to you. Are you lonely? Do you need to be constantly reminded through your headphones that you're not alone in this crazy world? ''SCV ready''. Boom, you made a friend. There's a lot of BM out there, friends are valuable.
Plus, each supply depot has a family inside. Sort of like... an old friend's family who thinks you're really successful and is always happy to see you. The younger children look up to you. And when you call in a supply drop? That's a puppy being delivered.

So what've we got, Zerg, Protoss, or Terran?

Zerg, you Do use capslock, and I am kind of running out of patience with you, so I wanna say go zerg, but you've come to the forums for serious help. This is not the zerg way. Not zerg.

Protoss, have you ever noticed that during boarding at an airport, there's like 4 creeps with express boarding, 90 people boarding in A, 200 in B, and you always get stuck in C with like 2 hipsters that bought their tickets an hour ago? Well if you were Protoss you could just teleport to whereever the hell you're going. Or you could cut those hipsters in half. Protoss is definitely for you.

Terran, look, I don't need to tell you whether or not to be terran. I've already told you to be Protoss. I'm not your dancing monkey.

The monkey does not dance, Calli.

Now you're ready to climb the ladder. You're in bronze, Calli, and that's okay. Just slam your face against the keyboard til you get to silver. Let your little sister play til you get to gold. And when you fight your way up to plat, let me know what you did, cause I haven't figured it out yet. Thanks, in advance. And you're welcome, in advance.